from Justin, a first time voter with eyes wide open
[email protected]

I've been watching you speak for quite some time now, and I'd like to offer you some advice. 

First let me say that I'm 19 years old, registered to vote, and will be exercising my right in November. Being the youth you aim to serve so valiantly, I notice you have a very strange way of talking to the youth of America, and I'm writing to give you some pointers as to how to present yourself. I hope you don't mind, but I have a suggestion for your next speech. Hope you like it, I just thought you should say how you really feel, and stop beating around the bush. Here is a recommended speech you can use -- one that more accurately reflects your positions:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, thanks for being here today. This speech will be dedicated to the younger people of America who I would love to have vote for me in November, and here is why. My words are weapons, with which I murder you. Please don't be scared. Just let them enter your head freely. 

"You all are the future, the 21st century dyslexic, glue sniffing cybersluts, with homicidal minds, and handguns. You are insane, nothing will change....unless. If elected President, I will do my best to make sure your 2nd Amendment rights are whittled away. I mean who really needs a gun for protection anyway, that's what the Government is here for. 

"I will promise to make it yet easier for you to terminate a pregnancy via Abortion. I know how much of a burden it can be to get pregnant when you don't want to. Believe me, I've been there. I was the first guy to ever be pregnant, so I know how you ladies feel. I want to keep your right to abort. 

"I will also do my best to make it possible for you to end the life of a parent or grandparent who is sick or dying. I mean really, wouldn't it be easier to end your suffering immediately instead of having them live on and on with very little possibility of getting well. Just think of all the money you could possibly save in medical expenses. Besides I know you really don't think it's God's will as to how they live out there final days. As if there is a God, come on now. 

"Here is a really important one for you: I will promise to take advantage of the situation we have tried so hard to create. People of different colors should remain separate. It's a lot easier for us to maintain our unlimited power if you all fight amongst yourselves. God forbid you all were united and realized just how badly we are screwing you over. We'd be in trouble. 

"One last thing, and there are many more, but since your attention span is lacking as young people I don't want to carry on. I will continue to try and make us a stronger part of the United Nations. This organization is our best way as a Government to wield even more power. Just think how much money we could waste if we enacted a Global Tax. It would indeed be a wonderful thing. We could abuse you from a number of different continents at the same time. I mean we would also strive for world peace at the same time, don't worry. 

"Last but certainly not least after I'm done implementing all of these ideas, and all of you are unarmed, poor, and uneducated I will no longer have to make these rotten speeches to try and convince you to vote for me. I will no longer need to. You will be so reliant on our systems that to vote for anyone else would be foolish.

"Thank you, God bless the United States of America, and remember to Gore America on November 7th."

I hope you liked it Mr. Gore. I just thought you should speak from your heart from now on. Tell us how you really feel. Your life is like a circus, Mr. Gore, and you are tripping on that tight rope. I hope you fall to defeat in November. If you by some chance win, it won't be thanks to me and my friends. One last thing, I'd like to ask you one question. Could you please answer it before election day? 

How is it okay for you and your family to be protected by guns 365 days a year, yet it isn't okay for me and my family? Isn't my life, and that of my family as sacred as yours? 

Thanks, and best of luck next week.